My Patient ~ My Healer : Part 38 (Final)

Previous Parts: Introduction | Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7  | Part 8 | Part 9 |   Part 10  | Part 11 | Part 12 | Part 13 |Part 14| Part 15Part 16 | Part 17 | Part 18 | Part 19 | Part 20 | Part 21 | Part 22 | Part 23 | Part 24 | Part 25 | Part 26 | Part 27 | Part 28 | Part 29 | Part 30 | Part 31 | Part 32 | Part 33Part 34 | Part 35 | Part 36 | Part 37

I was able to let go of past also because I realized that by holding on to past, I was making myself miserable and once you know way out of it, no one would like to hang on to one’s misery. My all fears ....fear of losing my family, fear of losing my reputation...fear of unknown future and the fear of death started losing hold on me as I regained my awareness. I realized fear was simply my absence...when my being was not present and ego had taken over the role of self. And because of its illusionary existence, ego was fearful by default. Our soul never knows fear. I regained my lost confidence; the intense presence of my being made me aware of ‘I AM’ rather than trying to become this or that. The invisible pain....the pain I carried after my father’s death started diminishing once the understanding of our ephemeral existence deepened in my consciousness. 

The moments when I was fully aware, the whole life looked more like a theatre where we played our assigned roles and leave in preordained manner. The realization of impermanence of our existence on this earth made me humble and carefree. The moment you realize that nothing is going to last forever, an incredible feeling of lightness descend upon you. The habit of judging others as well as I interpret ting every actions and situations, criticising and demeaning people or situation was automatically getting lessened. The cloud of sadness, disappointments, hurt and pain seemed to pass by as I started watching them. They didn’t engulf me anymore when I watched. It was as if they can only touch you when you are unaware. The moment you gain awareness, everything looked so distant including happiness. Even happiness couldn’t touch you, or intoxicate you, you are always standing at a distant ...enjoying it but without getting consumed by it. 

However as my life was getting in order and I was feeling peaceful and contended, Arvind’s health was getting worse. His virus levels in the blood were alarmingly high and blood CD4 counts very low. He had now been admitted in the hospital. I visited him number of times. Every time I was amazed to see his spirit which remain undaunted by the raging illness. He simply had detached himself from his body. Though body was suffering, he was beyond suffering. And whenever I asked, he replied in whisper, “When you accept anything unconditionally, you create space for the witness. And with power of your witnessing, all misery created by the mind simply burn away.” With permission of treating doctor, I tried to stay with him for hours together but I could never find him anxious, depressed or fearful. It was as if his awareness has burned away all the illnesses of the body and mind. The silence, the stillness we shared seemed to be the part of the soul of the universe which was in sync with our awareness. 

 One day, finding him little better, I said, “Arvind, do you know that by practicing witnessing, I am feeling much better, I am joyful and feeling very peaceful and relieved.” “ I told you doctor, illnesses may be many but the treatment is only one...Witnessing.” However soon after replying to me, his breath became laboured. He was losing his breath, his pulse and heart beat were also getting irregular. We knew that he was not going to survive any more. Our eyes met and I could see an enormous layer of peace enveloped him in spite of his terminal failing health. He looked at me with a great sense of satisfaction as if he had accomplished a task which was assigned to him. My head bowed in deep reverence for him. He breathed his last after a short while I was still watching him. It seemed to me that though his body died later, his awareness seemed to have separated from the body much earlier. I felt that my still developing awareness was in sync with Arvind’s awareness which was eventually merging with universal awareness. And he never left me; he never died ...his guidance always illuminating my path.