Previous Parts: Introduction | Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7 | Part 8 | Part 9 | Part 10 | Part 11 | Part 12 | Part 13 |Part 14| Part 15| Part 16 | Part 17 | Part 18 | Part 19 | Part 20 | Part 21 | Part 22 | Part 23 | Part 24 | Part 25 | Part 26 | Part 27 | Part 28 | Part 29
I kept trying to find the elusive peace again by trying to sync myself with my being but harder I tried, more I failed. It’s not something which I could get by trying; I realized that I might get it, by being relaxed. But that’s the most difficult part, how to be relaxed. It’s like I was fitted with a wheel and I didn’t know how to stop, by default I had to keep moving. I felt helpless, it was better when I had no idea of peace but now after I had tasted it, it was hard to not to be in peace. The thought of alcohol and also of drugs crossed my mind as I just wanted to quieten my mind as nothing seemed to be working out and I was feeling restless, my anxiety at its peak.
I suddenly remembered my discussion with Arvind regarding these artificial mind silencing agents. Once he beautifully explained to me that by using drugs or alcohol, we go below the level of thoughts, become like an animal that don’t have capacity to think. As a human being we should be able to go beyond thoughts, state of no-thought. Mind is a very beautiful apparatus, a gift to human beings and we should know when to use it and when to go beyond that. Alcohol and drugs may give us a temporary relief from incessant thinking and thus help in relaxing or sleeping by altering the brain chemistry but we are agitated again as soon as their effect is over. We have to understand the mind to be able to overcome it. Enemy has to be understood in order to win a war. And I also felt that drugs and alcohol induce rebound agitation and that makes situation all the more complicated rather than correcting it.
I decided to be in state of ‘No thought ‘than to be ‘thoughtless’ like animals and pledged to myself that I won’t be using these agents. I was still not feeling whole, integrated and joyful. While I was not able to deal with my other personal and professional problems, I got the news of my father’s death. I was devastated. I loved him a lot and I felt orphaned now. It was, as if life is trying to test my strength and determination and though I was trying hard to deal with the entire situation, I was failing. I wanted my husband to be near me, hold me and support me at this moment of my personal loss, my ego didn’t let me call him and ask him to be with me. I had never found myself so sad, so anxiety ridden and so much in turmoil. Nothing seemed to be working in my favour. It was, as if the whole universe is conspiring against me and I was unable to do anything to counter it. I felt myself as a failure, a big failure in life.
And nothing would make any difference to my life. For the first time I also started feeling that all my sessions with Arvind was useless and I wasted his as well as my time. I felt that spirituality is just for rare ones and not for common person like me. It seemed to me, more like a dream which can make one happy while sleeping but breaks as soon as person comes out of the sleep. I was also forced to think that we cannot attain liberation while living in this world; to attain liberation we should enunciate, leave this world and join some monastery or get lost in some hills or jungle. It was simply not possible to live in this world, perform our assigned work, live with people and not to feel anything.
I called Arvind again. I knew, I was not doing right thing by calling him again but I was helpless. I felt miserable and I had to know the way to be out of this turmoil. Somewhere deep within, I wanted to run away from everything to be able to live peacefully. Ms Ira informs me that he was not well and had been vomiting since last two days. I apologized for my intrusion and immediately retracted my request. However Ms Ira told me that Arvind was willing to talk to me. I was surprised with his determination and tenacity. She informed me that though he might not talk to me for long, but would certainly take my call. And after a short while, he was on the phone.
~To be continued