Previous Parts: Introduction | Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7 | Part 8 | Part 9 | Part 10 | Part 11 | Part 12 | Part 13 |Part 14| Part 15| Part 16 | Part 17 | Part 18 | Part 19
In midst of any conflict with anyone, even for a moment, if I would be able to remember that this is not me but my ego who wants to win, I would lose the drive to win an unnecessary battle. My husband used to get surprised at these moments as I simply used to let go of the issue without arguing any further. It was same at my work place; I started drifting away from unnecessary competition and ego wars. I had started enjoying my work more when I was not much concerned with other people’s opinion. It was good if someone liked my work, it was not bad when someone didn’t. A faint kind of detachment to the result of any work started creeping in my attitude in general. But as I mentioned earlier, these changes didn’t last and the same old conditioned pattern of life would grip me.
However, I was able to appreciate the present moment much better. I could discern that if I was totally present in the moment, my ego would vanish. Mind meant past or future; the thoughts need space in past or future. But if there was no past and future, mind would simply vanish. When I was deeply engrossed in my work...looking after my patients, working on my case presentation, playing with my daughter or cooking some exotic food for my family, I would simply be in state of awe and deep joy. But the moment, I was not paying full attention to work at hand; I would drift towards past and future. And the moment I lost my present, my identification with my thoughts was spontaneous.
Although my conditioned pattern would come back to haunt me again and again but I was sure that once the river has started to flow, it was sure to reach the ocean, sooner or later. However, the lessons of life are not learnt without going through the exams. Whenever I thought that I had understood the life, working of mind and secrets of soul, I was immediately tested by the forces of the universe. No education is complete without going through the exams, without being tested. My daughter who was now three year old had started attending pre-school. She used to go by school bus and it took 20 minutes for the bus to reach school. It was around 9 AM and I was at work, looking after one patient.
Suddenly I got a call from her school that the school bus which was carrying my daughter had met with an accident and eight children are seriously injured. I was shocked with the news. I cancelled rest of my day’s work and rushed to the hospital where children were admitted for the treatment. My husband as well as my other family members also reached there. My beautiful daughter was in ICU and we waited with bated breath for any news about her health. I was inconsolable and was dreading the worst. My family was trying to console me but as if nothing was making any sense. My husband was standing alone and stoically looking at the commotion outside the hospital. Doctors finally came out of the ICU and informed us about the amputation they had to do on my daughter’s left leg in order to avoid sepsis and resulting life threatening situation. I was devastated. It was as if my whole world had come to a grinding halt and I had ceased to exist.
My infantile spiritual knowledge had fallen flat and I didn’t know how to reconcile. My consciousness was completely clouded with immense pain; the pain of my only daughter going through such life shattering experience was too much to bear. I had yet to see her face, yet to touch her soft hands, yet to listen her lovely voice but my agony was unending. I didn’t know how I was going to see her, such a tragedy to see a young, innocent bud crushed so brutally. It was not long when she had started to walk. ..just two years and now she won’t be able to walk on her own legs for rest of her life. I entered in ICU and saw my little girl lying on the bed, still under the effect of anesthesia.
I saw her face for a moment and couldn’t control myself and again started crying. My husband took my hands in his and tried to comfort me. I felt a sinking sensation in my stomach, it was as if my whole world has crumbled and it was darkness all around. This was the biggest crisis of my life and I had to collect all my courage to face it. I suddenly realized how easy for us to tell or preach someone else about the virtues of life but how difficult was to practice it. The pain of loss was blinding, it was hard to imagine such a beautiful girl without her left foot.
~To be continued