My Patient ~ My Healer : Part 9

Previous Parts: Introduction | Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7  | Part 8

Arvind had introduced me to the new world, a world which was not only consisted of my thoughts, feelings and emotions, but a world which remained in the background of every thought. For the first time, I realized that this background of silence is my being, my soul which never changes. It was same when I was a young child, adolescent and now an adult. Though my body definitely changed all along and is going to further change as I will age. At least now I knew that my center remains untouched in midst of all the drama of life. However I kept losing the alignment with my center but at least I had knowledge that I was more than my thoughts, feelings, emotions and my body. It was very easy to forget our being and I was forgetting repeatedly. I wanted to look best and I took pains for the same. I tried to acquire best clothes, shoes, bags, jewellery and all other accessory and always thought that they would help me in making me look beautiful and would raise my self esteem and confidence. 

And the cycle never stopped, the more I felt less, the more I bought things to decorate my body. I would love to receive compliments as they made me feel more. However my thirst never ended because I never knew my being and always wanted to become some or other. The tension from being to become was constant and I kept losing myself in that space. My mind never stopped chatting and my mood was constantly controlled by my thoughts. If good thoughts were there, I would be happy but if some bad thoughts have overpowered me, I would be sad and depressed. Thoughts like clouds overshadow my being and I was like a servant who was following the master. If someone at home or work praised me or said positive things about me or my work, I would consider him or her as my friend or my well wisher and if not, my opinion would change immediately and he would be my enemy. Funnily same person could become my friend or enemy at different time points depending on his or her behaviour. 

My existence was entirely based on the inputs from others; I had yet to find my real self, my being who is independent, who doesn’t throw responsibility on others, who is not affected by anyone’s opinion, who doesn’t seek approval and who is always free. However for the first time I was realizing that when I was clogged by thoughts, I was miserable and felt blissful when there was no thought crossing my mind, positive or negative. I reckoned, at these moment of ‘no thoughts’, I was in sync with my soul, my being. I feared being alone. I looked for company of my husband or my daughter at home. If they are busy, I would talk to someone on phone or to myself in my head as a last resort. I feel restless if I hadn’t talked to someone even for half an hour. There was a deep sense of anxiety which was always covered up when I was in company of someone. I always used to pity my patients who have no one and who are lonely. 

Arvind changed my old conditioned pattern of thinking. He looked so calm and joyous even when he was alone at the orphanage that he always surprised me. Now slowly his words had started making sense to me that it’s our mind which clings and look for someone or something to get attached to. Our soul is always free, unattached and alone. I started discerning that our being is always alone even if we are in the crowd. No matter, how much I tried to be lost in company of my family at home or my colleagues at work; I have stated recognizing an entity inside me which stays untouched and un-involved in midst of people. I gradually started analyzing that my mind seeks another person, people or crowd and feels lonely when it can’t but my being doesn’t seek any company and remain joyous when alone. 

Our soul doesn’t choose anything but accept any situation. At times, now I started feeling that life is a journey and we come and go as passengers. We meet people on the way and then they simply leave. There is no permanent relationship with anyone except our own self, our soul. World looked more like a big theater where everyone was performing their designated roles and then depart. However my fleeting connection with my soul would be lost before I could get hold of it. I thanked Arvind for at least making me aware that there is something beyond our body and mind. And making me understand that, to know the invisible, we need to be silent, we need to shut down the background noise. I remembered Arvind’s thin frame and fragile appearance. His ill fitting cloths look too large for him. But he is least concerned and it seems that he doesn’t belong to that body, always smiling and joyful in appearance.

When I was trying to gradually understand our body, mind and soul for what they are, I started feeling shame that I used to fuss so much about my body. I would be never happy with the way it looks, thinking either to be overweight or underweight, fare or dark, tall or short, slim or fat. I would go extra length to ensure that I look best. I would spent hours doing my hair and still not entirely happy with the result. I would crib about my outfit, as I would never be satisfied by what I have and would always want to buy more. The sense of inadequacy reflected in all my thoughts and the inadequacy is never quenched by any means. I am feeling ashamed as I always thought body to be the ultimate, that we are only body and nothing else, that our body is end in itself rather knowing that body is the temple where our soul resides. And for the first time in life, I started feeling the temporary existence of our body and things which used to bother me a lot about myself stop bothering me. I realized that it’s important to be healthy as body is our soul’s abode but to be obsessive about the appearance is simply an act of the ego.

~ To be continued