My Patient ~ My Healer : Part 16

Previous Parts: Introduction | Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7  | Part 8 | Part 9 |   Part 10  | Part 11 | Part 12 | Part 13 |Part 14| Part 15

Arvind’s succinct reply was enough to send me into deep reflection. But I had more queries and time was less and I thought of continuing with my questions today. “Arvind, why we feel more or less of what we actually are? Why this mad rush to become someone? Why we sometimes feel that we are not good enough? Why we sometimes feel that we are superior to others?” I asked the very question which bothered me at home as well as work place. My husband had tendency to make me feel that I am not good enough and I used to believe him. At work place also, it happened several times that I used to feel that my professional acumen is not perfect and I compared myself with other doctors. At other times, I used to feel that I am the best. 

Doctor, it’s again our forgetfulness of our real self, our soul. When we don’t know who we actually are, we want to become someone. It’s ironical; you want to become someone to find yourself in that false image. And it’s never ending search, the search of your false identity. In every person, thing or situation, you only try to find yourself. If that person, thing or situations resonate with your ego, you are happy. If not, you become frustrated and start looking elsewhere for that illusive ‘I’. Inferiority or superiority complexes, both are the qualities of ego and not of the soul. When we live through our ego, we always feel less or more. When we are in touch with our consciousness...our soul, we feel complete in ourselves; we don’t seek approval of other people to make us feel that we exist. We are what we are; we don’t strive to become someone. All our desires for laurels and achievements are basically our search for ourselves. Our ego gets strengthen by when we get recognition by other people.” Arvind explained elegantly.
But I was all the more confused. “Arvind, do you mean should we not strive for achieving great things and recognition? But this is how we can make progress. Until and unless we don’t desire for name and fame, we would become complacent, we would simply cease to contribute towards the growth and development of the human race. Our desire keep us going, our hunger to achieve bigger things in life keep us going. I don’t think, I can survive if I stop desiring, if I stop dreaming.” I said. “Doctor, soul is not worried about name and fame. The nature of the soul is non-doing; it’s our mind which is involved with a sense of doer ship. Soul simply is the witness without any attachment to the result of any action. When we are in sync with our being, we do the work for the sake of it with best possible effort, with full commitment and dedication and not for getting any result.Then work itself becomes our prayer. Whatever work has been assigned to us, whatever duty we are supposed to perform should be done in best possible way. When we are in sync with our soul, we don’t desire for results; for name and fame. It’s the property of ego to desire and its desires are endless. Soul is desire less. In fact when we are totally dedicated to our work, we stop dreaming. 

Dreaming can only happen when we are not totally present, when we are not totally involved. The moment you are not present to the moment, you start dreaming, your mind goes in the future. And if you are totally present in the moment, you would simply cease to dream, you will only perform your job with absolute devotion. The result will follow automatically, you don’t have to desire for it. I am not saying that we should not use our mind, we should use for the task assigned to us but not let our thoughts use us in the form of desires and dreams. And even dreams and desires are not bad, but don’t get identified with them. As a witnessing consciousness, we can just let them hover around. They will eventually pass if we don’t get identified with them, if we don’t seek to find our ‘I’ in them.” 

Arvind replied. “How did you manage to get out of that conditioned pattern?” I knew that I was challenging Arvind, my master, but until and unless I was convinced, I was not going to give up. “Ordinarily life goes on like that. Its only when we go through life changing event, death of some loved one, some major illness, loss of job or home; anything which shakes us out of our normal pattern of living in dreams, in thoughts..conditioned pattern of our life.” He continued, “ I was going through hell. I had lost my parents; the stigma of AIDS was following me and my grandfather wherever we went. I was the subject of ridicule. I was ill and I didn’t have any money to buy medicine. The orphanage where I was placed after the death of my grandfather was a living hell. The HIV is lowering my immunity, my ability to fight the other opportunistic infections every day. I do understand the meaning of CD4 counts and viral load test which your laboratories carry out every time I visit the hospital. I know why my body is not able to contain even trivial infections which eventually spread over. I know one day virus will win and my immune system will lose this battle. And poverty, which is sometimes worse than having a disease, always followed me like a shadow. I have seen hunger and I can tell you, its worst form of suffering. I didn’t have warm cloths to cover my body when I used to shiver with fever. My grandfather would let go of his clothing and desperately try to cover me. Doctor, I am not complaining about my life, I just wish to tell you that I learnt through my experience. My cross became my teacher. I realized that whatever becomes my experience, I was beyond it. I realized that something within me; the centre of my being which is witness to my emotions, my feelings and my thoughts remain untouched in midst of all the pain, all the trauma, all the misery. I learnt that I am not my body, I am not my thoughts, I am not my feelings and I am not my emotions. I am awareness, a consciousness; a space which observes all but is beyond them.”

~ To be continued