Previous Parts: Introduction | Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7 | Part 8 | Part 9 | Part 10 | Part 11 | Part 12 | Part 13 |Part 14| Part 15| Part 16 | Part 17 | Part 18 | Part 19 | Part 20 | Part 21 | Part 22 | Part 23 | Part 24 | Part 25 | Part 26 | Part 27 | Part 28
Gradually I decided that we should not be staying together, if not forever, at least for some time. There is no point in making ours and everyone’s lives around us miserable. I have no ill feelings toward him but to be repeatedly drawn into his ego initiated suffering is not the best idea. I think, I have evolved quiet a lot after meeting Arvind, rather than any ill feeling or hatred toward him, I have compassion. I feel that because of his ego, he is not understanding me or being stubbornly refusing to see any rationale of his acts but his soul is forever pure, loving and beyond any ills. This understanding has given a new meaning to my life, the true realization that our soul is one. What could have been a very acrimonious situation; I am parting more as a friend. And though he has yet to understand the eternal soul, yet to know that ego will rule our lives until and unless we recognize it, his response are not so bad because he doesn’t have anyone’s ego against whom his ego can react. I have dissolved myself, as I have dissolved my ego and now there is no one to counter his ego. I realized that ego needs someone with whom it can resonate. I know that I have yet to learn the complete mastery and I might be tempted again take refuge in my ego; a conditioned behavior of so many life times that I instantly decided to act rather than think about it.
And we separated. My husband staying with his parents and I with my daughter at our home. He can come anytime to see our daughter as I don’t want to deprive her of father’s love. I am amazed with the change in my attitude. Though at times I feel depressed and frustrated with the turn of events but still I am not as bad as I would be if I wouldn’t have the knowledge of self. I still love him but now my love is not tinged with jealousy or possessiveness, it’s more caring and less expecting. Love which can come only though understanding and not before that. I have feeling that our separation will be temporary but the knowledge gained about our soul will be permanent. And even if my husband has no understanding of soul and real self, this separation will give him chance to introspect and reflect. And sometimes, inner journey starts only when outer journey has failed. I worked at two places, one at hospital where I met Arvind during his treatment and other at a private clinic. Hospital give me academic environment and satisfaction that I am serving the humanity; serving my ego’s need actually but it doesn’t pay me well while private clinic salary supports my opalescent life style. With my recent preoccupation at home, I was being not very regular at work and though hospital was forgiving, private clinic was not.
I was issued termination orders from clinic; I lost my job there. I was very disturbed and all my talk of learning about self and soul seemed to go awry. I keep getting lost in miserable thoughts, even the things which I thought I have been able to overcome. I started missing my husband’s support and though I was certain that he would respond to my calls but my ego was preventing me from contacting him. I realized that more I was not in touch with my centre; the more was my ego overpowering me. My parents tried to help me in going through my separation, my daughter’s illness as well as loss of my job but as if I was split within. Nothing made me feel at ease, the emptiness within didn’t seem to be fulfilled by any means. I was suddenly feeling so restless. I called Arvind and ask him about my predicament. He simply answered, “Don’t be the prisoner of your circumstances otherwise you would remain in reactive mode. You would depend on people or situation to make you happy. You would never act on your own and would simply react to the people or situation. When you live through you through ego, you remain at the periphery, away from the centre, away from being and you are slave of your circumstances. Never give the power to any person or situation to affect you or hurt you.” “How do I control my reaction?”
“When you are in touch with your real self, you don’t need to control. Control comes of its own. You take responsibility of your action and then everything follows. If you keep throwing responsibility on other people or situation, nothing can improve but if you take responsibility of your actions, you can change things, you can de-condition yourself, you can decide to not to follow the old pattern of life. When you live through center, you are the king and when you live through your ego, you are a beggar. And choice is always yours, you are free to choose.” After promising to see him at NGO later, I kept the phone and started reflecting on Arvind’s words. I felt traumatized when I started thinking about all what’s happening to me.
I tend make a big issue out of every small incident and kept myself fixated over all the negatives when I remained identified with my mind. However as soon as I found my center, my all worries, my all pain were gone...dropped like, it never existed. Although I couldn’t remain with my center for long, I certainly learnt, that we don’t need to drop our world of thoughts, we just need to find our center and thoughts disappear of its own. And then started my ‘hide and seek’ game. The moment I was in touch with my center, my real self, my world of thoughts would drop of its own and the moment I was identified with my mind, clouds of thought would again emerge and surround me from everywhere and I was not able to see anything beyond.
~ To be continued