My Experiments with Truth III
Although I have started feeling much calmer after meeting Arvind and understanding the cause of our anxiety and worries but I am still not able to divorce myself from my thoughts. Every now and then, thoughts engulf me like a thick cloud and I am not able to see anything beyond them. I invariably get entangled in the huge mesh-work of thoughts which seem to be like a one way street where one can only enter but can’t come out. I get identified by my thoughts and there was no way I can fight it. The more I resisted, the more they empowered me. I know my illness, I understand that I am not present and my mind is ruling over me but I was helpless.
The only solace is that at least now I understand the disease, I can diagnose the problem. And I realized that Ego is the reason of my entire predicament but I have no clue how to let go of the problem or overcome my pain. The strain of having a handicapped child is unfortunately overshadowing my marriage which is already complicated by our stressful life, long working hours, unending ambitions and desires. Ironically the dreams of having good life in future have managed to destroy our present life. My frustration is building up gradually when I see my daughter not able to live a normal life because of her amputation. I feel miserable when I buy a new outfit for her because I inevitably compare her with her past appearance. I have consulted the doctors and I know that she can be perfectly alright once she starts using the prosthesis, the artificial limb.
However my mind would try to make stories about the situation. It always travelled to past and ‘ifs’ are major component of my thought process. I go into self-pity mode and start expecting everyone to have sympathy for me. I remember Arvind trying to tell me that even self-pity is a form of ego because ego likes extremes. Ego never likes the middle path. It has to be first in everything, from top or bottom. It identifies with any situation which either makes it most important or worst affected. Self-pity and guilt are also the manifestation of our ego though we refuse to believe it. We always think that arrogance can be the manifestation but self pity or guilt can never be. My marriage is falling apart because of clash of our respective egos. Both of us are not willing to compromise because ego doesn’t want to lose even when it hurts. It’s preferable for ego to be miserable than to accept defeat and find peace.
Defeat is death for ego. We are arguing continuously even for trivial matters and because now at least I can diagnose the problem, I know that rather than anything else, it is our egos which is at war. If I would have known my being, I would have understood the futility of such frivolous fights but ironically I have yet to know my being. To know is not to just read or listen but to experience it by going through the fire. Although my momentary realization definitely prevented me from completely identifying with my thoughts and emotions but I still failed to separates myself from mind made stories for long. As it stands, mind tends to exaggerate the issue rather than sticking to facts. It likes to make big stories about any situation and once we are identified with it, we fail to see the real issue. And though I have started understanding the difference between our self and ego as well as ego created miseries, my husband has no clue about it.
He is so identified with his mind that he fails to see his real self, his being and assume mind to be, what he is. As for me, sometimes I succeed in avoiding the argument or scaling down the intensity of heat because of my discussions and newly acquired understanding of ego and its tactics but unfortunately, I still don’t have any magic like Arvind and I keep falling in ego’s trap. I know that I have to learn the magic, the mastery to be consistently in touch with the being so as to not to lose myself in ego again and again.
~To be continued