My Experiment with Truth:
I took leave from Arvind but with the request to be able to see him again before he would come to me for getting his HIV levels monitored. He happily agreed when Mrs Ira asked him for the same. I was home after meeting Arvind. It was after ages that I felt a sense of peace... a peace which I couldn’t define but I didn’t feel that irresistible urge to analyse every situation and let it remain as it is. It was for the first time that I tried to separate my body and mind and observed them from the distance.
Although it lasted for very few seconds, interspersed with usual incessant mind activity but at least something stirred inside me....that there is a third entity besides my body and mind. I was attending to my everyday routine at home in the evening, serving my husband his tea, taking care of my daughter and preparing for the dinner. But my thoughts were fixed on my discussion with Arvind and I wanted to have practical understanding of what all he shared with me. For the first time in my life, I was trying to watch my mind’s activity and was realizing that it has to react to every situation.
It has its own opinion and which most of the time dominated by self importance and finding other’s fault. It justifies everything in its own favour. It can never be wrong, only other people can be wrong . However as I watched my thoughts, for the first time in my life, I didn’t feel like reacting. I burnt my fingers when I was trying to hurry up the things in kitchen and I tried to separate myself from my pain…From my body, my burnt finger. Though it didn’t work and I could not contain my urge to scream but for the split second, I felt that it’s my body that has been burnt and not me.
I remembered Arvind’s weakened body but his inviolate soul with his undying spirit and I regained my composure. I realized for the first time in life after meeting Arvind that all tensions arise because we are not happy with what we are, everyone is in race to become this or that. It’s hard to be just yourself, as if some unseen force is pushing us to become something. I can see that unseen force is our own ego, the false identity which is never at ease with itself. And we are entrapped in the race to become rather than happy to stay with being.
Although I can see it but it is impossible to practice to just be myself. How ironical! It is easy to become someone than remain oneself. How much conditioning has happened that we have forgotten how to be just being rather than to become something!! At home, I consider myself as wife, mother, homemaker, daughter, daughter-in law but never just a being, free from all the relationship. I change roles as and when required or as and when I want. And I forget myself completely when I assume these roles. The ‘self’ is always lost in ‘others’. I never knew myself anyone else than through my relationships.
I was so lost in the periphery that I never knew about my center. And because I was always at periphery, I always knew myself through my mind, my thoughts, my emotions and feelings. Periphery always belonged to ego. And to be at the periphery, meant that I was affected by everything happening around me or related to me. I was like a wave on sea which rises and falls with every gush of wind. If my husband or my parents or in-laws or any other friend happen to say anything to me or I heard anything spoken about me, I would be completely overtaken by my thoughts and feelings. I would forget my real self and I would be the thoughts and feelings and emotions, I have identified myself with. I would feel bad and depressed if someone at office spoke harshly with me or I heard some gossip about me, bad things said about me.
Interestingly it was always others people, other events or other things which would determine my moods. I was at their mercy, as others would decide my life. Having no center means I had no knowledge of my soul, my being...the eternal witness which doesn’t get affected by others. I never knew that the waves don’t make up the sea. I had yet to discover the depth of sea which remained calm even when its surface is ravaged by waves. I had yet to discover the sky beyond the clouds of happiness, pleasures, elation, delight, euphoria, sadness, misery, sorrow, indecisiveness, worries, pain, frustrations, and anxiety. I was affected by every situation and got carried away with the winds of mind. The thick clouds of ego would not let me see the clear sky of peace and contentment. And I was suffering. Suffering was more because I knew that something was wrong with me but I was not able to name it, I was not able to treat it. Meeting Arvind was like getting a new lease of life that not only is making me understand the mysteries of life but is also giving me the faint glimpse of peace and contentment which I never knew existed.
~ To be continued