Previous Parts: Introduction | Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7 | Part 8 | Part 9
CHAPTER II: IDENTIFICATION AND EGO -THE PATHOLOGY
I anxiously waited for my next meeting with Arvind. As it stands, he won’t be attending monitoring session at my hospital for another six month if his condition remained stable and nothing untoward happens to his health. And I would have never wanted him at hospital before that, I prayed for his good health. It was already a month and I had almost started losing my grip on my new found knowledge. I had resumed my old pattern of life even after my best intentions of not repeating them. I would be impatient, I would react to people and situations, I would be anxious over things which I didn’t have any control over. I would fret over the things which I couldn’t manage to do yesterday, feeling guilt and insecurity about myself I felt unreasonably possessive about people and things which made me miserable.
Though I tried to remain defiant that I had the power to control my thoughts, my feelings and my emotions but in real world, I was losing my battle. And even though I could hide this from the world, I couldn’t hide it from myself. It stared back at me every time I tried to push into the dark corners of my consciousness. I called NGO and was happy to find Miss Ira on the phone. She instantly allowed me to see Arvind and also informed me that though his condition had not improved a lot but at the same time hadn’t deteriorated. That was a huge relief to me. As a doctor, my first responsibility was my patient’s health. I could not be selfish in my quest for seeking the answers to the mysteries of life.
Arvind was answer in himself if I knew.... how to interpret and understand him, his calmness, his loving nature, his unbound peace, his innocent smiles and his uninhibited laughter in spite of all his problems and miseries. I was simply awed by all his detachment... the detachment from his body and mind. How can someone separate oneself to this extent? I had to learn, I had to understand and there was no way better than to find from Arvind himself.
Arvind who had been deprived of his parent’s love, who had been infected with HIV for no fault of his, who had no one to call his own when his only surviving relative, his grandfather also died, who had been badly treated at his previous orphanage, who had known only the language of hatred when he was learning how to speak, who had stigmatised by the very people who were supposed to take care of him but who instead of getting annihilated, became an alchemist who transforms his pain into his awareness. I was a student of medicine...science, I needed proof. I couldn’t spontaneously believe on religious/spiritual teachings, camps or books or accept anything without doubting or without questioning. However, Arvind had given me the chance to understand the biggest mystery and I was obliged to him.
~ To be continued.